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Standing Bet Set For 2007 Golf Season
NGAWire®
31Oct06
NGA members Karl Nagy and Andy Kurncz have
agreed to a standing bet for the entire 2007 golf season. The bet involves the
top two players in the game today, Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson.
If Woods wins a tournament, Nagy will win $5,
however if Mickelson is victorious, Kurncz will collect $10. The only
stipulation on this bet is that both players must be entered in the tournament
for the victory to count.
The NGA
wishes good luck to both Nagy and Kurncz on a fruitful 2007!
NOTE – Since
2000, Woods has won 39 (31 w/Mickelson) tournaments and Mickelson 16 (6
w/Woods).
NGAWire®
11Sep06
Staff Writer, Jeff Longeway
It has been reported from an anonymous source
that two contestants, including a past champion, have failed the first ever
drug testing imposed by the NGA. It is said that one failed for a diluted urine
sample and the other was positive for HGH.
The first contestant is believed to be Eric
Fournier. The long time contestant has come under scrutiny in recent months for
his boisterous behavior towards his playing partners on the course for
repeatedly yelling "I'm Eric Fournier, take me to my ball!" When
questioned by the NGA Eric stated "I have no idea how this could have
happen. I only had 14 Bud Light’s yesterday."
The 2nd player under investigation is the
defending champion Steve Lawler. He has been accused of a more serious offense
of using steroids (HGH). Steve claims that they were prescribed under the
guidance of a doctor to help him achieve a normal height. "I have been
taking injections and applying this cream to my head since I was 14. Without
it, I would still have my hair, but I would only be 4' 8" tall.” When an
anonymous contestant was informed of this infraction, he was quoted as saying
"that explains how that little bastard hits the ball so far.”
Both players have filed a grievance with the
NGA to have their sample "B" tested. They will remain eligible for
this year’s event since this testing will not be completed in time.
NOTE – Kurt Goetzke and Jeff Longeway have
been told they must attend a mandatory counseling session at this year’s event
to maintain eligibility. It has been revealed that both players’ samples showed
high levels of cholesterol and evidence of frequent and high volumes of alcohol
consumption. The mandatory session titled ‘Healthy Living for the Middle Age
Man’ is being held at the Manistee McDonalds starting at 3:30pm on Saturday
(Sept 17). Upon finding out about the meeting time, Goetzke was overheard
yelling "F that!! F the NGA!! The Michigan game is on.”
KTG Resurfaces Only To Suffer Another Tragic
Injury
NGAWire®
5Sep06
Staff Writer, Kurt Goetzke
Famed prognosticator, Kurnczie the Greek, was
seriously injured while on a recent trip to Manistee, Michigan. In town to
survey the grounds for this year’s
In an exclusive interview with the NGA, KTG
was asked why he was swimming in the lake. He responded "Didn't you know
that Manistee was the Sting Ray capitol of Michigan??? I wanted to be able to
swim with one of these majestic creatures that are so common on the shores of
Lake Michigan during this time of year." Asked where he got the
information that "Manistee is the Sting Ray capitol of Michigan",
Kurnczie the Greek had no coherent response. It is believed he is still suffering
from the after effects of his recent accident in Brazil and the toxins that
were pumped into his sack.
Kurnczie The Greek In Intensive Care
NGAWire®
1Sep06
The NGA has received information that Kurnczie
the Greek was involved in a horrific bus accident in San Palo, Brazil this past
weekend.
Kurnczie, a world famous prognosticator and a
one time employee for the NGA (1999-2004), was involved in a hit and run
accident Saturday (8/26/06) evening. Kurnczie was exiting the Meninas Belas
Jovens nightclub when he was blindsided by a yellow and green Volkswagen
Eurovan. He is currently in a coma with two broken legs and shattered pelvis at
the San Palo Mary Magdalene Metropolitan Hospital.
Important to followers of the NGA, a crumpled
napkin was found in Kurnczie’s pocket listing odds for the 2006
It is unknown if Kurnczie the Greek was
working in conjunction with the HGA Betting House or just on vacation, but we
all wish him a healthy recovery. God bless you Kurnczie!
McKay Pops Nut In League Night Finale
NGAWire®
31Aug06
NGA stalwart and HGA co-chairman Dan McKay
walked off the course during last evening’s league night finale.
What may have caused McKay’s breakdown? A
crappy 5:00pm (last of league) tee time. The entire ladies league taunting
McKay to hit his tee shot already. The lack of playing partner Kurt Goetzke and
the night’s opposition on the tee; they were enjoying a few pre-round cocktails
in the clubhouse. A hurried tee ball that was smothered onto the ball covered
driving range. The lack of ability to find the tee ball after cursory looks
failed to uncover anything. McKay’s hopeful bid to win the Treasurer position
for next year’s league. The realization by McKay that his golf game is in no
better shape than
As McKay approached the green, a few unkind
words were exchanged between McKay and Goetzke. McKay flipped the group the
bird and walked back to the clubhouse with golf bag on shoulder. It is believe
that McKay then returned to his car and drove home, cursing the golf league the
entire way.
Is McKay a ticking time bomb (ie. Matt Maser
circa 1995) or is he just a victim for happenstance? Can McKay gather himself
in time for the 2006
McKay did not
win election as the 2007 league treasurer.
2011
NGAWire®
14Aug06
The NGA is pleased to announce its appointment
of HGA chieftain Dan McKay as co-chairman of the 2011
Goetzke Abandons Team, Seeks Treatment
NGAWire®
7Aug06
Yesterday Kurt Goetzke abandoned his Greystone
MPGA golf team in order to rest his self and horrid golf game.
Goetzke participated in a two-man invitational
tournament last Thursday, Friday and Saturday. Rumor has it that Goetzke
could not hit his driver and was not a helpful partner. It seems as
though Goetkze’s ball was in his pocket on more than one occasion in this
Stableford-like scoring event. It is not known how Goetzke’s team
finished, but it is believed to be near the bottom quarter.
Sunday morning, Steve Lawler (Greystone
Captain) received a call from Goetzke stating that he would not be attending
the team’s playoff match that afternoon. He stated his game was in such
bad shape that it may be better for teammate Dan McKay take his position in the
line-up. Goetzke did not attend the match. Team Greystone was
slaughtered and its season was ended, all while Goetzke slept.
Once a favorite for the 2006
We all wish
Goetzke a safe and speedy recovery!
NGAWire® correction – This was Team Greystone’s
final regular season match, not the first round of the playoffs. We are so
sorry!
Kurncz
Turns Other Cheek
NGAWire®
4Aug06
Today Andy Kurncz, Steve Lawler, Jeff Pretzer
and Pretzer’s brother (name unknown) played their annual Buick Open Sugar Bush
outing. I talked to Andy this morning and he asked me for a target
number. Seeing the state of his game, I said that 84 would be a nice
target. He agreed, even though it may be difficult.
Somewhere playing the 10th hole,
Andy called to update me that was halfway home. Even with a triple on the
7th, he was still able to moxie out a 42. I told him nice
job! He was really happy with his game.
I asked him how Steve was playing. He said
that he was ‘kicking’ his ass. I wished him good luck on the back.
After the round was over, Steve called to tell
me that Andy’s round of promise was no more. After a par on 10, Andy hit
the double skids. After proclaiming an ‘ass kicking’ to Law, it sounds
like he didn’t make a par the rest of the way. He limped home in 49.
Steve, down by 8 somewhere along the way,
ended up winning by 10.
League Night Glory Lost
NGAWire® 26May06
I have a story from league night.
The weather forecast for golf yesterday afternoon was horrid. I decided to go to the course (Willow Creek
of course) and wait it out. The rain
slowed down, but the skies still looked ominous. No one was going out. It didn’t look that bad. I finally said hell with it and jumped in a
cart.
I started on the back nine.
10 – 4i, AW, 20 footer into the cup – Birdie (-1)
11 – 3i, PW, 2 putts from 40 ft (8 footer for par)
– Par (-1)
12 – 9i to fringe, 2 putts from 30 ft (6 footer for
par) – Par (-1)
13 – 3i, SW to 40 ft, 2 putts – Par (-1)
14 – 6i, AW, lipped out 10 footer – Par (-1)
15 – 1w, 2i, 8i chip and run to 12 ft, knocked in r-l putt – Birdie (-2)
16 – PW (from 140y) to 3 feet, cup in – Birdie (-3)
17 – 1w, SW to 4 inches, tap-in with SW – Birdie (-4)
18 – 1w, 7i (from 180y) to fringe pin high, 20 footer into cup – Eagle
(-6)
I’d say an opening 30 is a nice start to any round.
I teed of a 4:46pm and was back in the clubhouse paying for the back
nine at 5:27pm.
The back nine wasn’t as successful.
1 – 1w, 7i (from 190y) over green, chip to 10 ft, missed putt – Par (-6)
2 – 4i, 9i (from 150y) way over the green into a hazard, drop, SW pitch
to 50 ft, 3 putts – Triple (-3)
3 – PW to 30 ft, 3 putts – Bogey (-2)
4 – 5i, PW (pulled to left), pitch to 20 ft, 2 putts – Bogey (-1)
5 – 5i, PW, SW to 3 ft, r-l putt into the heart – Birdie (-2)
6 – 1W, LW to back fringe, 3 putts from 25ft – Bogey (-1)
7 – PW to 18ft, 2 putts (horrid first putt) – Par (-1)
8 – 1w, LW into bunker, splash out onto fringe, 2 putts from 20 ft –
Bogey (E)
9 – 1w, SW to 15 ft, 2 putts – Par (E)
The magic was definitely gone after the triple.
I was back in my car at 6:36pm.
Saturday
Golf
NGAWire® 13Mar06
Staff Writer, Danny McKay
On Saturday Kurt, Matt (Maser), and I played the Legacy. The weather was decent and the course was
really wet, but in overall good shape for March. Because it was Kurt's birthday (as if...), he
had spent the previous night out on the town and reportedly did not get home
until 4:30am. When he showed up at
8:45am he looked a little worse than his usual 'all night' self and proclaimed
that he was still wasted. Considering
the blood shot eyes and red nose, he must have been speaking the truth.
On the first hole Kurt fulfilled his usual ritual and hit it right down
the middle. Of course he fulfilled his
other ritual on the first hole and missed a four footer for par. Then after he made double on the second hole,
he spouted something about trying to avoid a blowout. It was classic. Seeing that the next hole was a par 5, I knew
he would be able to right the ship. When
I made an easy birdie, and he walked away with a par, the true golf fires began
to burn. He went on to birdie the next
two holes and then stuck it on the 5 feet on the next, but then missed the
putt.
Anyway we all turned the front decently.
Dan 38, Kurt 39, Matt 41.
On the 10th hole, a drivable par 4 with a forced carry of 270 yards over
water, Matt flung on out to about 80 yards.
I stepped up and hit a nice tight draw just to the right of the green,
pin high. Now for Kurt! He stepped up thinking that driver might be
too much and proceeded to hit his shot.
It started out going at the left side of the green and as we waited to
see it land just left and long, it splashed down with a watery crash about 25
yards short of the land. Completely
dumbfounded, Kurt marched forward and dropped.
His next shot barely made it over the water. My eagle pitch came up about 6 inches short
and they just avoided the dreaded $6 pay out.
On the next hole Kurt (although not traditionally) laid up on a par
5. With a short 50 yard shot into the
green, he once again found his power and hit a thin laser about 50 yards long. Although I will give him credit he was the
only one in the group to make a par.
Now for the classic moment of the day!!
On the 15th hole, a tough 430 yard par 4, Kurt hit his approach shot (8
iron) from 180 deep and onto the back fringe.
Since he was trying to make a comeback in our match, he needed to at
least make par. He hit his putt from the
fringe to about 6 feet. I was standing
about 15 feet behind him when he hit his par attempt. As the ball missed, I reached down to grab
the flag stick and out of the corner of my eye could see a storm front roll
in. The unmistakable angry swipe of a
putter flashed and hit the ball… and within a split second I then heard a
fleshy thud. It was the sound of a golf
ball traveling at high velocity hitting tissue and bone. When I looked up I saw the agony on Matt's
face and the ball trickling away from him.
I then looked over to Kurt and saw his jaw sagging lower than I had ever
seen before.
"I'm really sorry Matt", Kurt mustered with slumped
shoulders. Matt then turned about and
began walking toward his bag.
The awkward silence severely contrasted the laughter that I had
inside. It was too bad that we didn't
have a video camera to capture it all.
It would have been a great loop to enjoy over and over again.
The rest of the day was a bit anticlimactic. Matt seemed to forgive Kurt and we all
chuckled a bit about it. In the end it
was a fun day on the links, but a classic moment that should have been shared
by more.
Final stats: Dan 78, Kurt 81, Matt 86.
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